alchemicalwater | Before week 1 trial

[HELL YES HE IS]

[COFFEE IN A CHOCOLATE MILK BOTTLE]

[he takes the bottle, offering her a tight smile in return. the kind of smile one wears when there's a lot they're holding back, but they don't want it to show between the cracks of their facade]

Yeah. I'll be okay.

I'm more worried about Terra.

[Hey now she's noticing that.]

He might stand a chance here. He isn't so insanely focused on killing someone that it makes him sloppy.

[It...feels bad. To talk like that. But she also doesn't want Terra to die. Or Akira, actually.]

I was more worried about you, honestly. Terra's been in games before, so this isn't his first time erasing someone. But it was new for you, wasn't it?

[deep breath in and out]

He was a little sloppy last night. And that was. . . my fault.

[a bit strained. maybe Terra would have been gentler, if Akira hadn't gotten himself punched in the nose]

Mmm. Yeah. It was new.

[and even if he didn't land the killing blow? he still feels guilty.]

[Lion didn't deserve what happened to them]

...it's alright to not be okay.

[She had been wanting to keep this to herself, but. Story time I guess!]

The first time I ever erased a player, it was horrible. That girl was...unhinged. Messed up. Terrible beyond what could be fixed with the conductor's games. Knowing her history it was to be expected, but...

[She shakes her head.]

She killed four other players. I had to stop her from killing two more. And then I had to be removed from the game because it shook me up so much. I just started crying every time I saw the place where it all happened.

[he had been focusing on the coffee-disguised-as-chocolate-milk, but his gaze snaps up when she starts her story. he listens, expression soft. how it usually is when people begin to open up to him]

Undine. . .

[jesus. he doesn't know what to say to that]

. . . you were doing what was best for the other Players.

[and as much as Akira hates the thought of killing? he isn't so naive to not recognize when it becomes a necessity. especially during a Reaper's Game]

That's my point. We're reapers. We have to make the tough calls like that. We have to choose who lives and who dies. Some of those deaths are going to be innocent people who probably don't deserve it, too.

And it's alright to not be 'okay' with it. It's alright to need time to process that. Because even though we're reapers, and we're trying to save as many players as possible, we're still human ourselves.

[wow what the fuck, Undine]

[usually it's Akira who is on the other side of this. usually he's the one offering words of wisdom and comfort, opening himself up so others can lean against him in their times of need. and yet, here Undine is. telling him that it's okay to not be okay with their job]

[that it's okay to be upset]

[and he lets some of that seep out, peek through the cracks of his already thin facade. his grip on the chocolate milk tightens]

I'm not okay with it.

[he replies, voice strung like a bow]

Ushiromiya didn't deserve to be killed. [Erased. whatever. it's just like murder to him, so he's using "killed" on purpose] And Terra won't deserve the guilt he'll have to shoulder forever because he was cornered into killing them.

Even if I didn't land the killing blow, I still-- [made it possible. he's just as culpable, but on that note, he shakes his head and moves onto a different subject]

. . . I agreed to help Terra because he seemed so distraught over the idea of taking someone's life. I didn't want him to have to shoulder that burden alone.

I think that helped him a lot, too.

[Yes, she is saying it to help Akira. Big Sis Reaper, remember? But she's also saying it because she believes it.]

Terra and I are alike, you know. It's a lot easier for people like us to be strong when we're looking out for someone else. So just having you there helped him a lot, I think.

...And we can be with Terra too, when he's Erased. Maybe not physically, but we can watch, for his sake. So that he can see us and know he's not alone. So that he can be strong in that moment too.

Edited 2018-03-18 03:22 (UTC)

["it's a lot easier for people like us to be strong when we're looking out for someone else." yeah. Akira feels that. he feels that a lot. all one has to do to realize that is look at his relationship with his Phantom Thieves]

Don't say "when." "If."

[because!! he wants Terra to live!!]

Even if we all have separate goals, we at least share camaraderie with being forced into this position. Right?

When.

[No, she's not going to mince words here. She needs to be strong, for Akira's sake. Being strong means saying the tough things nobody else wants to say too.

She's been falling into her old habits of shrinking away and placating everyone, because that's how she acts for the players. She doesn't want to fall into bad habits again, not after the literal years spent kicking herself of those habits.]

I'm not too happy to be forced into this position with some of our fellow reapers, but we don't have much of a choice, I suppose.

If.

[nnnn he can't just assume that Terra is going to get caught. that the Players will find him and Erase them just as they did Dahlia. he's too hardheaded for that. he exhales a frustrated breath and tugs his bangs, eyes slipping shut]

We don't. [they're stuck. just as Maya said before] For now, anyway.

[. . .]

Emphasis on "for now."

[. . .?]

[Maybe, but that sort of wishful thinking is just...that's how people get crushed. She would rather Akira accept that Terra might die now than to push it off with a 'maybe he won't.' That's not good for his heart.]

'For now'? Please don't tell me you have something risky planned.

[his heart can take it, Undine!1]

Nothing immediately risky, no.

[he doesn't have enough information to recklessly buck up against the system into which they've been shoved]

But I have the spark of a plan, and a goal to work towards.

Is it something you want to share? Or do you want to wait until it's more of a plan?

. . .

Undine, have you ever thought about chasing a promotion?

A promotion? To conductor, you mean?

Conductor, or even higher.

[just. some position with more influence than he has now. a position in which he can have some say in how games are designed, so he can stop them from being senseless, violent killing sprees]

. . .

I want to know what kind of person the Composer is, first. Before I commit to anything. Max said they're doing this because they truly believe this game is in everyone's best interests, and because they're trying to prove something to. . . someone.

But I want to know if they're trustworthy before I decide whether I agree with them.

I'm not sure what indiscriminate killing will prove, though. And who is higher than a composer? I thought they were the top boss.

I don't know what it'll prove, either. And you're right-- the Composer is the top boss.

[but the Conductor isn't, and she asked about him being a Conductor, oops]

I don't think there is anything higher than them.

[Well she thinks he wants to shoot for composer now, with how he's talking.]

Then...becoming a Conductor might be the way to end the game!

Becoming the Composer is the more likely way to end things. Plus. . . the Composer is the only one who can bring back those who were Erased. [like Maya!] That's an ability we'd need, in order to save everyone.

[SURE ISN'T HELPING HER ASSUMPTIONS. she isn't exactly wrong, because he's toyed with the idea, but he wants to learn more about the person behind the Game before he commits. murder still isn't his style, unless it's a shitty god, he guesses]

But I don't know if I want to go that far. Killing the person at the top of the chain to create an open spot for promotion isn't really my style.

[ah]

If I could just climb the ranks, and gain enough influence to be able to change the Composer's mind, then. . .

[and he trails off]

Maybe that should be our request, then. If we successfully erase someone without getting caught, then we get to talk to the Composer.

[ah. . .]

That's not a bad request, actually.

[BUT, THAT SAID]

I was-- well, I'm not Erasing anyone anytime soon. [firm!] But I asked for one of those partner pins if Terra gets away with it. Something to give to Ichigo, just in case. . . you know.

Yes, that makes the most sense. I don't want him to get hurt in all of this.

...next time, then. I'll help whoever does it next week, and if we succeed then that's what I'll ask for.

All right.

[this sounds perfectly great with him, because all he's wanted to do from the moment he arrived here was talk to the Composer]

If you can bring a plus one, consider letting me go with you.

Of course.

[As if she would bring anyone else with her.]

I was just going to ask for the Composer to come to the next reaper meeting, though.

That is an even better idea. I feel like they should be able to spare a bit of time for their employees, don't you?

Before week 1 trial - for Akira

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